The Neurotic Mother's Guide to Flying

Before this whole vacation experience, I remember mentioning something about searching for a blog to prepare me.  Something to calm my nerves, something to make it all ok before embarking upon this terrifying amazing trip with my daughters.  I found nothing.  So, having gone through it, having survived and arrived home in one piece, if not with a few more gray hairs atop my head, I decided I would write that post.  Here it is, let’s start with the good stuff:

What I did RIGHT:

Get there early.  Yeah, everyone says it.  Whatever, you roll your eyes, scoff, reason that of course an hour will do just fine.  Not with babies.  Definitely not with three of them.  Keeping to a schedule, and an early schedule at that, was the BEST thing I could’ve done.  When things went wrong, as they sometimes do for us, I wasn’t frazzled and a mess about not having time to deal with the crises.  I was able to chuckle it off, right the wrong, and all was well with the world sooner rather than later.

Don’t sit in the back of the plane if you’re scared of flying.  Seriously.  Don’t.  Flippin’.  Do it.  I was one bump, dip and rattle away from needing a change of pants myself.

Allow yourself a drink if it’s going to calm your nerves.  I won’t judge you.  Neither should your husband.  One isn’t going to impair you beyond caring for your kids, and if it helps to relax you for the journey of a thousand miles or more (or less) than do it.  I needed that one beverage so that I didn’t claw my way up the walls of the plane like a damn cat spooked by a backfiring car, when the turbulence shook us from one side of the sky to the other.

Sit the needier child with the more patient parent.  Oh, come on.  You know it’s true.  Maybe it even flip-flops depending on the day or the situation.  Whoever is less of a panicky mess on airplanes and less terrified of those “friendly” skies should be the one sitting next to the fussy baby, since they’ll have less to juggle without all those neurons firing in the fear centers.  Or maybe you say, “we’re both pleased as punch to sit by aaaallll our kids.”  Well.  I’m not too proud to admit, I couldn’t sit by N.  The husband handled her with ease and finesse I was simply not capable of.

Don’t overwhelm yourself with carry-on luggage.  If you have to take a car seat, this goes doubly for you.  I allowed each girl a backpack with only necessities, and a snack, and a bottle of water (purchased after security, of course.)  Half the stuff in my carry on wasn’t even touched.  What about an emergency? you may ask.  The only real emergency we hit was poo lake on the runway when our diaper bag was stowed up high and we weren’t allowed to unbuckle.  In that particular instance we were met with an overwhelming amount of help from fellow passengers and the amazing flight attendants staffed by Southwest airlines.  Seriously.  Amazing.  For the most part people understand the trial that is traveling with children and will come to your aide when you least expect it.  My faith in humanity always gets recharged in these kinds of situations.  But I digress.  A change of clothes for each baby.  Entertainment to last you until you get there, but really what’s more engaging and interesting than chatting about all the kinds of fun you’re about to have or what their FAVORITE bits of the trip were?  Not to mention making friends with your neighbors!  After all, on Southwest you get to choose who they are.

Hype up your babies.  For days and days in advance.  Point out every airplane you see passing by.  Put on your happy face and plaster it in place until safe in the car on the way home/to your destination. 

Have sinus issues?  Don’t chance it.  Afrin nasal spray extra strength decongestant.  2-4 sprays each nostril.  I’ve had several flights where I felt like my sinuses were going to explode out of my face, crippling pain that had me bent in half.  This time around went perfectly fine, which I attribute to the decongesting beforehand.

Use the bathrooms just before boarding.  Everyone.  Diapered and toileted alike.  Because of course, if we went even a minute too early the seven year old was begging on the plane to go to the bathroom and you must realize how much of a pain in the butt that was.  Use the bathroom.  Use it again.  And once more just in case.  (And DON’T mistake the hall out of the gate area and past security for the hall containing bathrooms.)

Streamline in security.  If you know which baby is the most difficult demanding needy in need of attention and constant vigilance, pair that baby with one person and you take the others (unless you have five kids under five.  In such a case, God be with you and I admire your courage.  Like, really, I am in awe.)  We paired N with one parent and the other took A and W since A is very self-sufficient and W is a sweet little ball of happy who charmed the pants off everyone around her.  This was a beautifully executed plan that I am immensely proud of. 

Find the grandparents.  Really, this works.  You can usually tell who they are.  They'll be the ones eyeing your babies with that look in their eyes, smiling and cooing at the baby, gasping with surprise at the impromptu games of peek-a-boo your two year old decides to initiate.

No matter when you get to board, be present at the gate perhaps a bit before you need to be.  Position yourself in such a way that when it’s your turn, all you need to do is lift a bag or a baby from the ground and walk straight ahead.  We could’ve sat by the windows and waited until our time, but I found it so much easier and mind-settling to be ready and waiting, that way no one was waiting on US.  Then, also, the kids were prepared for what was about to happen and we didn’t have to jar them from one place into the possibly stressful process of boarding the plane.

Lining up and staying awesome.

Late flights are awesome.  The kids are tired by the end of traveling, and who wants to deal with cranky travel-tuckered-out children for an entire day after landing?  Best to land and go straight to bed, even if you’re so excited to be wherever you are that sleep isn’t easy.

And through the night she sleeps.

What we would CHANGE:

Ok, it’s cheating but…do this.  IF you’re flying southwest, purchase early bird boarding for you and/or dad.  You don’t need to for the kids because they board with you no matter what.  So even if, say, they’re in the C group, you’ll be in A and they’ll be right along with you.  Yes, cheating the system.  Yes, would’ve made life easier on two of the flights we took.  Yes, when life is easier for your kids it’ll be easier for every other passenger on that plane and they’ll be grateful in the end.

Don’t stress about where you sit.  If you get a window, baby is entertained and pleased as punch to be able to view the adventure in the sky.  If you get an aisle, easier to get out and make trips up and down the aisle or to the potty as needed.  There’s always a bright side.  Make the best of whatever hand you’re dealt.

Check your boarding passes and then check them again.  We got a nasty surprise at security when, shock and awe! Our children didn’t have any boarding passes, only mom and dad.  Ok, Portland, you can keep the kids, but only if you fly me to Hawaii.

Accept help.  I was too proud a few times, but somedays I need to remember the cape can be taken off and I don’t always have to be strong.

Especially when alone, as was the case during THIS trip.

Check out connection times.  We panicked a few times over whether or not we’d make it to our second flight, but in the end all was well.  I would’ve spent less time worrying and more time preparing had I done all the calculations beforehand.

Dress comfortably.  I wore a pair of pants I had just washed and were admittedly not my favorite.  I was hiking them up constantly and trying to carry a diaper bag and my carry on at the same time.  Horrible combination.  Sorry Baltimore, I know plumber’s crack is never cute.

Yeah, I LOOK happy enough...

Consider buying a cheap disposable camera for the kids old enough to appreciate them.  I wish I had done this for A.  It would’ve kept her occupied and I could’ve seen the trip through her eyes at the end of it all.  Didn’t think of it until we were literally landing at our final destination.

Oh, and don’t think about the movie Final Destination.  Just, don’t.

Make friends.  Really.  Even if you’re shy.  Talk to other passengers while waiting, let your babies “bother” people, usually those people are happy to get to know a new little person.  If they aren’t the type to enjoy kids, which happens and is perfectly acceptable, gently direct your kids away and no harm done.  Those people will probably never see you again.  And on that note, don’t worry too much about appearing to be the crazy neurotic mom (cough, me) in front of an airport full of strangers who don’t even know your name.  Get through it the best you can.  The chaos will right itself, one way or another.

And finally, don’t concern yourself with anything I just said to the point that you stress.  Yes, these are strategies and tools to help you, but this is not a game of monopoly, it’s life (Ha…haaa…).  Enjoy it.  It’s time away from work, home, the daily rigor of whatever your typical day is.  It’s new and exciting, it’s something your babies may have never done before or maybe they’re seasoned fliers and you can trust them to get through it with grace.  Not us, but the journey was all part of the fun.  I got to know my children a little better, and they got to see me grab daddy’s hand when I let my defenses down and I got scared in front of them, which I try not to do.  

And when things get bad, if they do, just remember.  I survived the poo, tripping a blind man (yeah, that really happened), A saying the B word in the airport (rhymes with mom) and kickstarting a parenting debate at baggage claim (completely inadvertently.)