It's a bizarre Monday, a fourth day without the responsibility of an 8-hour-overnight looming ahead of me, three days of what should've been, probably could've been for most others, relaxing and unwinding after a hard week of class and work and class and work and eeking one to two hour naps in whenever the situation presented itself. Many times that meant baby gates, a pillow and a blanket, floor space where toys have been shoved to both sides, and Nanny Nick Jr. aiding me in the afternoon care of the small ones. Mom needs sleep? Preposterous! It's been four weeks since my semester began...and this has been the prevailing attitude, I can even claim it as my own. That is, until this past weekend. The one where I should've been devoting myself to enjoying my babies in between short spurts of studying for an exam. Where I should've been, should've been, should've been so many things. That's how it goes, these days.
This weekend the devotion of my self to everything besides my SELF came to a head in one very disconcerting health issue that sent my head spinning. In many senses. Out of no where I was forced to put my own care front and center; I don't know about you other moms, students, dads, caregivers, workers, but for me? Nothing could've been more unsettling. Nothing rattles the people pleaser in me more than saying "No", more than having this brand new entity to be concerned over...me.
 |
| "But....the baby......" |
When the dust settles and the reality of it becomes very clear, that in the end the only one most able to meet your needs, to nurture you to health and sanity, is YOU... well, it isn't an easy reality to come to. But this helped me. And maybe it will help you too.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello to the friend, the parent, the spouse, the child, the colleague, the family, the acquaintance, the stranger in the bar who I forgot to call after my happy hour hello from my barstool:
I am a caregiver.
You probably know this about me by now.
Unless you were the stranger at the bar. But if I ever call you, you'll come to know that too
I have a simple request, on behalf of myself and my fellow caregivers. No matter where in the process we are, aspiring, practicing or retiring, it's the same.
Please remember, and feel free to remind me
Every day
Care of the self is necessary for the proper care of those in need that surround me.
Whether I am
A first year student or a second
I'm a dad
A mom
A fresh high school graduate beginning my generals next week
Working to put myself through post-secondary
Riding those student loans like a bull in the south of Texas
A single parent of multiple children
Any combination of the above
Any combination you could possibly conceive
I am a caregiver above all else
And before I consider me
I will consider the calling in my heart
Before I mind the aching in my bones
I am figuring out how to mend yours
I am not a martyr
I am simply consumed and ravaged
By what I love to do
Without consideration of reward
Karma
Retribution
I may not have arrived at the realization that I am as important as the people I care for
Like my colleagues
My peers
My classmates
Have
It could be I'm behind the curve
It could be I'm a fantasist, full of nothing more than a mix of gumption and inanity
But right now in my pursuit of this dream
I need to be reminded and I need you to remember
There will be days where I must come first
There will come a time when who I am now must be more front and center
Than what I want to be to the world
There will be moments where I am so lost in what I wish to become
That who I am is suffering
Show me
Slow me down
I nurture others
If I am a parent, I nurture them twice
I nurture the future nurturers
And am left with an empty tank on which to sustain myself
Help me refill
With a smile
A comforting embrace
A soft "It's going to be ok"
On a day when I'm convinced it will be anything and everything else
To the friend, the parent, the spouse, the child, the colleague, the family, the acquaintance, the stranger in the bar who I forgot to call after my happy hour hello from my barstool
It's not that I've forgotten you
In the madness that is this time of my life
I love and value "us" just as deeply now
As I did before
Please remember
And remind me
That it's ok to save the nurturing of our relationship for another time
When the fostering of my future success
Weighs so heavily upon me now
Remember
Remind me
That I am human just as those I am attempting to heal
Remember
In order to contribute to my success
In order to help me
Please don't demand more of me
The caregiver in me won't allow the neglect of you
So remind me
And remember
That this is not abandonment of you
This is the discovery of the nurse deep within me
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Words that resonate. Words that help me feel the edges of the "whole picture".
And now I think I'll go drink a glass of wine in my room alone with an episode of Grey's. Adieu!
