Sh__ no one told me about school-agers

Terrible twos?  Teething?  Potty Training?  Lately I'm looking back fondly on these things in the face of what I see on the horizon with A.  And no one warned me about this stuff.  Before and during pregnancy it was all diapers and midnight feedings, sleep while you can and godspeed.  Sometime around A's third birthday I asked my older brother...does it get easier after two?

"I'm going to rip apart every preconceived notion of what it's like to raise a child.  Enjoy the ride."

He laughed at me.  His daughter is a year older than my A, and all he had to say was: "It gets worse every year after."

I didn't take him seriously.  But now I shudder to think of how bad things'll be at 16...combined with her driving, I'll never sleep at night again.

No one told me the notes from boys start right away.

That the desire to have what everyone else has is practically an intrinsic quality.

Clothes.  Accessories.  Social media accounts.

That they're going to start naming their kids and discussing what their wedding will be like from the moment they can talk.

That gossip comes home.  No matter whether you want to know who was holding who's hand during recess even though this one sat by that one at lunch.

That girls have this innate need to gossip, also manifesting itself as soon as they start forming their own sentences.

She didn't even wait for first grade to start gossiping.  Preschool.   PRESCHOOL.

That being excited about summer vacation starts from about the second week of school, and when it finally comes you'll wish all-year-round school was policy.

That apparently once they start school, you're no longer very smart compared to their teacher.

And that every time you try to help with a problem, the response will likely be, "No.  My TEACHER said this..."

And that when you respond with, "Well then Mrs. S can come raise you," she'll take you seriously and start packing a bag.

That their damn feet start smelling.  What happened to my sweetly fragrant child?  Oh, that's right.  She's refused to bathe for two days because she hates washing her hair.

Don't be fooled.  There's a layer of grime an inch thick on this child.

That nails and hair and makeup are a thing.  And you'll be required to understand how those work.  If you don't, she might tell you to google it.

(Photo:  Jessica Krueger Photography)

That since they can now combine their love of talking with the extensive group of friends they've made via social networking on the playground, you'll never get your phone back.

Oh, and that phone call you're getting on YOUR cell phone?  That's for your daughter.  And she'll take it upstairs, thanks mom.

I'm fairly certain everyone focuses on the trials and trebulations of babyhood to distract you from how intense things get once 1st grade hits.  I was lulled into this false sense of security, that once she was out of the range of two, she'd miraculously transform into a lovely little cherub who would love me and love life and smile and be grateful and...

And oh my God I have to do this at least two more times.