The Post-Partum False Dichotomy

(This is not medical advice.  Talk to your doctor for that.)

I keep coming back to perspective, but heavier this time.  I'm hoping I can reach out to the moms who need it most but are too afraid to speak up.  It's a topic that can be very sensitive for a lot of moms (more than you'd think, and that's really ok).  I am unashamed and unapologetically ready to be open about this.

You've no doubt heard of post-partum depression.  Loss of appetite, fatigue, overwhelming sadness.  But what about when the symptoms don't add up to post-partum depression?  When something is definitely wrong, but it's not depression, and it isn't as mild as the "baby blues".  Those are the only two things that could possibly be wrong, right?

This is when it started.

Enter:  post-partum anxiety, the lesser known sister of post-partum depression.  I'm wondering how many moms out there experience it, but because every questionnaire they're given doesn't show depression they figure they have to just get over it, let it go, ignore it.  "It'll pass," everyone promises.  "All new moms worry and that worry never ends,"of course.  Hell, you'll be in a hospital bed at 80, IVs dripping, DNR/DNI signed, and you'll still ask if your babies are ok.  I've seen it.  But there is a line between rational concern for their well being and irrational all-out terror.  I only barely knew the difference, but it was enough to raise a red flag in the shreds of sanity that were remaining in my logical left brain.

A common sight; I wouldn't hold her.  Today, it's the opposite.

I remember figuring it out.  I laid on the couch, crying as quietly as I could so to not wake my husband. In my head I was mourning the loss of my brand new, still breathing and thriving baby girl.  I couldn't let go of this thought that I'd never witness her grow into adulthood, every day was going to be our last together.  I refused to bond with her; why should I?  I wasn't willing to get attached just to have my heart broken by losing her.  I'd see the shadows all around, hear the noises of those imaginary monsters ready to break in and steal her in the nights.  I wouldn't eat, it was impossible to sleep.  Panic attacks became my new norm, along with frantic phone calls to my husband begging him to come home from work; eventually these calls became a daily occurrence.

I like to think the deities that be made her so happy from the get-go to try and reassure me on a subconscious level.

When I saw the outline of the beast that was taking over my reason and preventing any happiness or enjoyment in what should've been a wonderful bonding process, I pieced together the information I had from physiology and psychology courses and I knew what was happening was wrong.  I knew it needed to change; actually arriving to the decision to accept help was a whole different problem to overcome.  But I did.  My biggest regret is waiting as long as I did.  I wasted precious time that I will never get back.  If you have any concern at all, please talk to someone; just because it isn't depression doesn't mean it's "only the baby blues".  Anxiety is just as serious as depression.

The chemicals flowing through your nervous system are unbalanced due to hormonal fluctuations specific to pregnancy and childbirth.  If you had issues with anxiety or depression prior to pregnancy, you may be more susceptible to these changes.  I never had anxiety before pregnancy, it was new to me and the physical manifestations were what clued me in that this wasn't depression.  The panic attacks convinced me to look into the possibility of anxiety after baby.  Heart racing?  Skin crawling?  Rapid breathing?  Can't sit still?  Feel like you're going to die?  Sense of impending doom?  Some days I'd be sitting in a chair by a window, eyes fixed on the horizon, just waiting for the sun to explode and the whole world to incinerate, trembling and nauseated.  My first two babies came with no out-of-the-ordinary mood changes.  I'm not sure why it happened the third time, but it can.  It can come without any warning at all.

The last calm moment, before the post-partum hormone storm.

My hope is that this will make it out to at least one mom that is going through what I was.  It's important to hear that you aren't broken, you aren't a bad mother, you aren't weak, you aren't flawed, and most importantly you aren't alone.  This is what I needed to hear, too.  My doctor held my hands in hers and said in her most serious tone (she's kind of a bad-ass, but I wouldn't have her any other way.  I need a firm hand) "This is normal and even though it isn't ok, just know it isn't your fault and we're going to fix it.  You're a good mom.  This happens."  Even the slightest hormonal shift can completely change your demeanor (PMS, anyone?).   You are not a bad mom.  There are many others going through exactly what you are,  me included.  It may never subside completely, even with medication, not until your body has balanced itself back out and that could take some time.  Breastfeeding could further change the situation as that's a whole different set of hormonal changes.

This is the one I probably SHOULD worry over more often than I do.

Don't wait, if you're worried.  Find someone who will listen, really listen to you.  You're worth it, you deserve to enjoy those first months.  Your relationship with your baby is worth it.