Instinctive Mothering
Mom; a title I’ve held onto now for nearly eight years (plus some if you count gestation!) This is the first job I’ve ever been able to fully dedicate myself to, commit fully, despite a lack of sick days and all the 24-hour shifts required. At the same time it’s also been the most terrifying and unpredictable position I’ve found myself in. It’s a world of juxtapositions: rewarding and demanding, comfortable and so very messy, frustrating and breathtakingly perfect.
In today’s
world, the myriad of what “mom” is expected to be is further complicated by the
accessibility to the world wide web of parenting practices. We Google and
Pinterest discipline techniques, nutrition plans, crafts and rainy day fun,
birth options, side effects of added Calcium, all in the endless pursuit of
molding the perfect new person to add to the ranks of society. Enjoying motherhood, now more than ever, gets
obscured either partially or completely by the fear and constant second-guessing
we do when comparing ourselves to Tommy and Jane’s mom based on her Facebook
posts.
In an
effort to present ourselves and our child-rearing ideals to others simply and
easily, we pack them into pretty parcels to present to the parenting
community. We try to classify ourselves
as this kind of parent or that, or we use harsh monikers such as helicopter or
absent parent to describe others. It’s
all so tempting, those preset parenting parameters. The fancy titles to define our choices
by. Problem, is, perception and the
individual can make all the difference when it comes down to the different
definitions of this type of mom or that.
What, then, do we do? Argue for
the case of our own personal classification system? Or succumb and be ousted after being told you
don’t belong? And is that really what we
want to do, to reject and ostracize moms who don’t follow to the most minute of
details what we feel is the proper parenting path?
If you’re anything like me, when
you hold your standards of care and your choices up to others who identify with
whatever style it is you’re claiming, then find even the slightest discretion,
it’s maddening to feel as if you’re coming up short. It’s as if you don’t quite fit in with any
particular subculture of moms and anywhere you go someone is going to criticize
some factor of your personal mom equation.
But, maybe
baby-wearing just isn’t comfortable for you; perhaps you cry at the thought of
mixing that bottle of formula despite your pediatrician’s concerns at a slower
than American average growth rate; these jars of baby food either delight or
repulse you. All that, and then don’t
forget to take the baby’s comfort into consideration, for he’s part of this
relationship as well.
What teaches A right from wrong is mere irritation to W. What comforted N at 2am is simply unnecessary to W who sleeps through the night with ease. Where N required close, cuddling parents throughout the day, A was a craver of autonomy and never would’ve accepted being wrapped and worn. All of this we learned as we went, a sort of trial and error, flying by the seat of their diapers as it were. Combined with my visceral instincts and their subsequent overall happiness and contentedness, it all adds up to simple and plain instinctual parenting. It could be that our wisest and most patient teacher on this tangled and wildly raw, beautiful subject are the little ones we’re trying to raise. Indeed, our mistakes are forgiven by them far quicker and easier than by the onlookers who seek to judge and rebuke.
My three
births were as different as different could possibly be. My first came a week early, by choice (aka:
the high-blood-pressure-high-sugars-baby’s-too-big Friday night induction
special). I made it to an 8.5 then caved
to repeated offers for pain relief, despite being committed to a drug-free labor. I birthed in a bed, unable to move around due
to nurses’ orders. All of this, and I
hadn’t spent even ten minutes on reading about all of my options and the ideas
behind the choices that were out there.
They’re doctors, I’d say to myself, of course they only have my health and well-being in mind, what else would motivate a healer? Later in life I came to understand the
pricetags that adorn every decision available in the healthcare system. At the time, though, it felt right. I was young and
insecure…I needed guidance and those were the ideas and practices presented to
me. Five years later, it felt perfectly
normal and obvious to birth #2 at home in my bathroom upstairs with nothing
more to comfort me than my midwife and a strong husband. I spent days worth of time on the computer
searching for the answers to every question you can fathom, packed my poor
midwifes text inbox, but when the moment came…the AH HA! This is it! moment
washed over me, all fears and questions melted away and I just knew this was
how N was meant to join us.
That’s the
thing about following your gut and placing the utmost importance on your soul’s
reaction to the choices you make rather than the neighbor who heard you
crowning, the man at the grocery store who disapproves of your shoeless babe
(yes, that really happened), or your sister-in-law’s best friend’s
pediatrician. When it’s right, you know
immediately and the gratification is instantaneous.
Ah! And of course, the obligatory post picture. How could I have forgotten?